


Shower

by Writerofshit (kay_samm)



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, One sided, self hate, vague self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-20
Updated: 2014-03-20
Packaged: 2018-01-16 08:00:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1337983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kay_samm/pseuds/Writerofshit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[Freewood]<br/>[He wonders if it ever meant anything]</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shower

**Author's Note:**

> The lovely positivelyweird14 on tumblr requested Freewood angst. Since killing the spirit of people is what I live for, of course I said hell yeah.  
> Warning: This contains a great deal of self-hate/belief of not being good enough. This could be triggering to anybody who has dealt with depression, suicidal thoughts, or self harm. As someone who has, I know it's shaken me up a bit to write it.

Gavin wonders if it ever actually meant anything.

_No it didn't mean anything you fucking dumbass he's married. Like he'd leave her for you, you shitty excuse for a human being._

He turns the water up as hot as it will go, ignores the burning sensation on his back. The pain is a welcome distraction. When he's in pain he can't feel the lightness of fingertips. He can't feel soft lips pressed against his own when they could pretend mistletoe was a reason. He can't feel a hand in his while they keep a pin in the grenade that is life.

_You fucker. You almost ruined his life. All because you wanted something you couldn't have._

He dips his head beneath the running water. Either he'll drown out the running monologue or he'll drown himself. He doesn't care which it is anymore. The scalding water stings his face but he doesn't move. It helps.

("Nah, I'll help you out. I've got a car, you need a ride. It's not a big deal."

"Well thanks, Ryan. That's nice of you.")

_What the fuck were you thinking?_

He uses a washcloth to rub soap on himself. Hard scrubbing, turning his skin redder. As if he could ever really get rid of it.

("Gavin. Im... married. You know that."

"Yeah, I do. I just thought... I had to tell you."

"Why the fuck..? What do you want me to do?"

"I don't know. Nothing. I just had to tell you."

"I really wish you hadn't.")

_What the fuck is wrong with you?_

The washcloth falls away and now he's just scraping at his skin with fingernails. What ever he has to do to  _make it go away._ His skin is crawling with memories. Not thousands, like some people have. Not even hundreds. Just a few.

But they're so much better.

(Ryan pulling him into the bathroom, pressing him against the wall. Ryan's lips hard on his. Ryan's hand gripping the nape of his neck, holding him in a place he doesn't want to leave.  _Ryan._

"What the fuck?" 

"She's out of town. I can't stop thinking... I have to know."

"Know _what?"_

"Gavin. Please."

_Oh.)_

Every movement is erratic, too much. He grabs the bottle of shampoo. He puts more strength into it than he should, and it erupts from the top.

" _Fuck!"_

He rips it through his hair anyway, and there's a new searing pain in his scalp. His hand comes away with strands covering it,  _but who gives a shit._

(Bare hands, bare skin. Ryan's hands tangled in his hair, the best kind of pain. Fighting his gag reflex with everything he's got because  _maybe if he's good enough._

_"Oh, Gavin."_

Success.)

_Think about what you made him do. He cheated on his wife. Because of you. And you were happy about it. You sick piece of shit._

His eyes pop open, even though he's under the water. He's numb to the heat at this point, it barely even phases him. He needs something else to hold his attention. Now his eyes are burning.

(Ryan on his doorstep, bouncing on his heels.

"I thought she came back last night?"

"Her flight got cancelled. Two days."

"Oh."

Lips and tongue and teeth until he's breathless.

" _Oh._ Did you wanna come-"

"Let's go see a movie. We'll get crappy popcorn and expensive drinks. It'll be fun."

"Yeah, ok."

Ryan's hand in his, pulling him to the car. Again on the way to the theater. He's grinning like a kid at Disney, but he doesn't care what people think. He loves this. Loves Ryan, too, but the last time he said that it made everything weird. 

He knows it's going to end. Except it was supposed to before but yet he's still holding hands with him while he's supposed to be watching a movie. Maybe it won't. Maybe she'll get back and Ryan will tell the truth and maybe maybe maybe.

Maybe it won't end.)

_Of course it fucking ended, you moron. How many times does it take to get it through your goddamn head? He's married. He loves her. Not you. Never you._

He isn't sure if the tears are because of the shampoo in his eye, because  _Ryan_ or some combination. With shaking hands, he paws at his eyes, pressure causing stars. Who fucking cares? He'll shove the heel of his hand so hard he goes blind.  _Who fucking cares?_

Not Ryan. If he cared who knows where they'd be? Happy. Together.

Gavin doesn't care either. That's what got him here in the first place. Caring about the wrong fucking person who doesn't give a shit about him. 

Fuck him.

Oh wait, he did! That got him to where he is now. Sitting on the shower floor sobbing his dumb fucking face off because  _why couldn't Ryan love him too?_

_Who would?_

No one. Not even himself.

 

 


End file.
